"I'm ready to attempt to polish off my game and reenter the dating scene, but I have one big problem: I live with my parents."

Dear Benny,


I am a dude in my mid-twenties who just got out of a long relationship. I'm ready to attempt to polish off my game and reenter the dating scene, but I have one big problem: I live with my parents. Is this going to be an immediate deal breaker? I know girls who also live at home - is trying to get with a girl who lives at home a better or worse idea for someone in my situation? I have a job, but I I need to save for grad school, so I don't want to move out yet.
There's two parts to this: one, the logistical problem of not having anywhere to go back to hang out. Two, the stigma attached to living at home. How do I deal with this situation?


Sincerely,
Low On Self-Esteem in Rockaway




Dear Rockaway (because I refuse to type out LOSER),


Before I start dishing out some advice, I've got to thank you for sending your message and reviving this advice page. I feel like I lost some interest and some readers, perhaps due to my attempt at being an herbalist last time. In any case, thanks for writing.


Dating while living with your parents may seem like a unique predicament, but it in fact belongs to the greater category of dating predicaments which I like to call Limbo Dating.


Limbo Dating didn't used to be a big deal. People used to always meet while in limbo and then get out of limbo together... or stay in limbo together for the rest of their lives. This was partially due to the old-fashioned value of loyalty, which is, in many ways, being phased out of American culture. Maybe it comes from the sexual revolution. Maybe it comes from the "schizophrenic economy" revolution. Maybe it comes from the "extreme wealth gap" revolution.


In any case, Limbo Dating is tough, but manageable. The biggest risk you can run into in Limbo Dating is not the lack of money, or the lack of good places to go. The biggest risk you can run into in Limbo Dating is that the whole business can feel just a little bit heavier than it would otherwise just because of the lack of luxuries you have.


I once asked a friend of mine the big esoteric question of "What makes a man a man?" It was one of those shooting-the-metaphysical-shit conversations. His response was interesting- and not metaphysical at all. He said that he thinks we really become men when we realize that it's not worth obsessing over a girl unless you're already obviously heading toward a long-term relationship with her. Otherwise, in his words, "It's just like you're on a TV show, and she's the girl of the week."


I started to think that maybe there was more to this than my friend even realized. I thought about Jerry Seinfeld's long string of girlfriends and how they're all remembered only for one quirk. Then I thought about why it is that I found myself talking about girls like that lately (to a much lesser extent... after all, life is not Seinfeld, despite how much it resembles it sometimes). 


I realized that, when I tell stories, I give nicknames because it's a reminder of how little I actually know a girl. When you start saying her real name in conversation, or even refer to her as "that girl I like," it's easy to start believing that there's more to it than there is. But when you call a girl you like, "Indianapolis Girl," or something else silly like that, it's a reminder that you don't know all that much about her other than that descriptor.


What does this have to do with limbo dating? A lot, actually. Because the thing about limbo dating is that, due to your lowered dating opportunities, it's easier to put more stock into people than we really should. 


Even though you're in our parents' house, and inviting a girl inside is a dramatic step to take, on the inside, you're still the same dude you'd be if you were living in a bachelor pad. When you are living on your own again, that feeling of casualness will come much more naturally. Right now, it will take some effort. But it will be worth it.


Now, Rockaway, I'll do what I usually do here and move on from my sweeping theoretical take to give quick, direct answers to your concerns.


1) The logistical problem of having nowhere to hang out.


This is actually the easiest part. You'd be surprised at how easy it is to forget you live with your parents when you're going out to bars. Sure, the idea that you can't take her home may lower your confidence somewhat, but there's no reason for your mind to go there while you're actually on the date.


And, besides, imagine the tension that could result from making out in a bar without the easy escape route of a house that's not your parents'. The build-up could get so great that it takes you back to the high school way of thinking, where "My parents won't be home 'til late," was just as promising as "You want to come to my place?" 


Imagine how awesome and dangerous that could be! It would be like all the dangerous fun of high school hook-ups, but without the drawback of being a high schooler.


2) The stigma


Hell. I guess I already talked about the stigma. Going back to Seinfeld for a moment, remember the episode where George introduces himself to girls with, "Hi, I'm George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents?" Remember how far his bold honesty gets him?


There's some truth to that, too. The stigma is there, but fuck it. Having your own place makes it a hundred times easier to have fun, but it's not who you are. You're not living in a convenient bachelor pad, but you will one day, and when you do, that'll be awesome, and you'll also be the same cool dude that you are today. 


So why not act like that cool dude you already are?

A minor thought that involves tags and baggage claims used as metaphors

I once heard the expression that women should come with a tag that says, "Handle with care." If that's the case, then men should come with a tag that says, "I am a boytoy, boyfriend, surrogate-dad, and a shrink, but I am not a baggage claim attendant."

A brief follow-up for RUA

I'll get to Tomcat on a Midnight Spree soon, but first, I want to add to something  I said to Receiver of Unwanted Attention in the last post.


Many people took issue with two of my suggestions. (Although they did it by email, not in comments which I wish they would do so that I could look popular.)


The suggestion people took issue with was, "Tell him that you can't make out with him because you'll get too emotional." Several people said to me, "No, that will make the guy want you more."


That may be true in many cases, but I still think that it will work on some guys.


I was more or less trying to make and re-make the point that making yourself less mysterious will make people less likely to obsess over you.


Guys have a tendency to idealize girls. We also have a tendency to be unprepared to actually deal with the kind of emotions you need to deal with when you're in a relationship.


Those things tend to go hand-in-hand: idealization and emotional cluelessness.


I look back and notice that the girls I've had the most enduring crushes on were the ones whose romantic lives I knew the least about.


In many cases, I changed once I really got to know a girl: I either stopped crushing on her or decided to actually make an effort to pursue her.


Back to you, RUA (Hope you're still reading me from out there in internet land!). What I mean is, If you want to make guys into friends, encourage them to see you as much like a friend as possible. Let them see the aspects of you that you're careful about showing to guys you like. Call yourself crazy, or fart, or goofily-drunkenly-casually make out with them, whatever snaps them back into the reality that you are a human being, you're not the manic pixie dream girl who's going to save them, and you're never going to be in love with them.

"I know some of the nicest guys, who I would love to be friends with and hang out with, but after a while they always start getting a bit flirty."

I have your first question. This happens to me quite a bit. I know some of the nicest guys, who I would love to be friends with and hang out with, but after a while they always start getting a bit flirty. I know they're secretly interested, and I know that I'm not, but I still really want to be friends, because everyone knows that guys are more fun to hang out with than girls. These aren't the sorts of guys who would say anything, so should I just let them flirt and try not to flirt back? Is what I want impossible? Can girls and guys be just friends. Help me, Benny!




Sincerely,


Receiver of Unwanted Attention.


P.S. I would follow you of course, but I imagine being the first asker of a question AND the first follower would defeat the purpose of commenting anonymously.


Dear RUA,


First of all, thanks for your question.


Second of all, thanks for giving yourself a name that lends itself easily to a phonetic abbreviation. In fact, rua is the word for "road" in Portuguese, which is awesome.


Third of all, thanks for keeping it anonymous. I'm speculating about your identity and I'm enjoying the mystery of it more than I thought I would.


Fourth of all, I'll actually get to the subject.


Now, ask yourself the following questions:


1) "What do these boys want from me? Do they want to make out with me once and then go back to being friends? Or do they just like to flirt?"


There are plenty of boys out there who will just have weird crushes on you, but, nonetheless, one thing that some girls don't seem to understand about boys is that, no matter how much you're in a boy's "friend zone," he'd probably still make out with you.


It's not that boys and girls can't be "just friends." That's a common misperception very much perpetuated by When Harry Met Sally and other pop culture artifacts in which a girl's best boy friend inevitably turns into either a boyfriend or a rejected depressed boy. So yes- boys are capable of seeing girls as "just friends." It's just that, for a boy, "just friends" means, "But I'd still make out with her." And because of that, sometimes we have days where our friends just start looking like good makeout material.


So, next time you start to think, "Ugh, does my friend have a creepy repressed crush on me?" also ask yourself, "Or is he just horny?"


The thing is, if a guy is genuinely just horny and/or lonely and periodically wants to make out with you, he'll be likely to give up when he sobers/feels less lonely/makes out with another girl/has a girlfriend. In that case, he'll eventually leave you alone at some point.


There's also a significant demographic of boys who, like girls, express friendship by flirting. I have a small handful of friends with whom I seem to have a weird mutual understanding that we're always going to flirt and compliment each other, but never, ever get physical. (More on that later.)


But for the purposes of the second question that I think you should ask yourself, I'm going to assume that these boys are not flirtatious and/or occasionally horny friends, but are indeed "secretly interested" in a more dangerous way.


2) "Do I actually wish these guys would leave me alone, or does part of me enjoy his unfulfillable crush on me? Am I a RUA or am I actually a RWA (receiver of wanted attention)?"


I have a friend, Erica, who has a lineup of boys who would do anything for her, and she encourages it. I thought it was sickening and I confronted her about it. She said, "I know what I'm doing. It's just that they never leave me alone so I have as much fun as I can."


When she said that, my opinion of her completely changed. She knew what she was doing and she acknowledged it. Situations like that can get a bit toxic when a girl convinces herself that she and the boys are good friends without acknowledging that the entire dynamic is based on the boys' pathetic infatuation with her. But if you can admit to yourself that the boys aren't friends as much as pathetic dudes who you continue to toy with because it's easy and it's not like they'll leave you alone anyway, then I think you'll be fine. It only gets bad if you pretend that it's a genuine friendship when it's not.


I guess my point is this: figure out whether you actually like these guys as friends or if you subconsciously enjoy their unrequited crushes on you.


And now, finally, I will *attempt* to teach you how to transform a boy who's interested in you into a boy who can see you as just a friend. In many cases, it will not be possible, but in some cases, it might be.


Basically, I've thought of several friends of mine who I have had crushes on but have come to see as just friends and how it is that it managed to work out that way, and based on that, I've come up with three suggestions.


1) Open up and/or lie about how crazy you are and what a bad idea it would be for the two of you to make out.


When a girl says, "I'm sorry, I can't make out with you, I'm just not into you like that," it hurts. But when a girl says, "I'm sorry, I'm a nutjob and you shouldn't make out with me," it hurts much less, because it doesn't insult the guy, it also lowers your sexy aura of mystery a bit, and it makes the guy feel respected.


If you're super brave (or if this is the truth), tell him that you wish you could have just a one-night stand with him, but you know you'll get clingy, so you don't want to risk that.


Basically if you make yourself appear less mysterious and more crazy, it will remind the boy of all the things he doesn't like about getting close to girls. Then he'll appreciate how nice it is to be just friends with you.


2) Flirt with him in a way that makes him feel good about himself but that he won't take too seriously.


As an example, I'll give you a list of facbook comments my friend Rasa (who has a serious long-term boyfriend) has recently left on photos of me:


"I'm so glad all my friends are good-looking."
"If you keep dressing like that, you're gonna get did."
"You remind me of Michael Cera. I have a crush on Michael Cera. OK fine I have a crush on you."


Her flirting is so playful and over-the-top that she never crosses the line and makes me think "Oh shit, she wants me to bone her" (which, by the way, is how all boys' interior monologs sound).


Flirting in such an over-the-top manner sends two messages: 1) You're an attractive guy, 2) I feel comfortable enough around you to say, 'I want to do you,' and 3) I don't ACTUALLY want to do you.


Making over-the-top sexual comments, like #1, can also succeed at putting a damper on your sexy aura of mystery.


Sometimes, this kind of OTT flirting is superior to simply not flirting back. For one thing, it's friendlier. But, more than that, simply not flirting back can sometimes lead the boy to flirt even harder, and in some cases it can kick the boy's insecurities into gear. If you give a boy the cold shoulder, be prepared for him to start saying things like, "Why do you hate me?" or "I'm so sorry, I'd never want to make you uncomfortable because I care about you" (as he attempts to jam his tongue down your throat).


3) Drunkenly make out with him. Just do it.


I sense that you'd probably rather not do this, but I'm going to put it out there anyway. If there's a lot of sexual tension there, making out with him just once might alleviate it, and, once making out with you is no longer an unattainable holy grail, he may chill out. Be sure to somehow make it clear that this will only happen once, whether that means being blunt and saying, "I'll never make out with you again," or by saying, "Haha, isn't it funny how I get drunk and make out with my friends."


If he "gets weird" afterwards, don't get down on yourself. Many girls get down on themselves for "letting it get weird", and they shouldn't. Many girls think, "I should never have made out with a friend! It's my fault!"


It's not. It's his fault.


The thing is, a one-night-only drunken make-out can actually be a good litmus test of whether a guy is even worth having as a friend. If he treats you with respect and friendliness after the makeout, then he's a cool guy.


If he expects more making out or treats you with less respect, then he would never have made a good friend in the first place.

In any case, this is only a good idea in a minority of situations, but I thought it was worth throwing out there anyhow.


To further emphasize these points, I'm going to invoke the movie Say Anything. If you haven't seen it, see it. I'm not in love with the movie, but it's well-crafted, it's easy-to-watch, and has become something of a cultural standpoint over the years. Ever seen a boy stand outside a girl's window while holding a radio above his head? This movie is where he got it from.




Anyway, in Say Anything, Lloyd (John Cusack) pines for Diane (Ione Skye) and is good friends with Corey (Lilli Taylor). Diane is distant and quiet. Corey is very up-front and loud. Both girls are emotional, but Diane expresses her emotions very hesitantly and Corey expresses her emotions with no filter. Diane has a mysterious past but Corey sings emotional songs about her ex-boyfriend for everyone to hear.


If you want to be more of a "just friends" girl, act more Corey and less Diane.


In Say Anything, as in real high schools, the Dianes end up with the Lloyds and the Coreys end up with the shitty cheaters. But in post-high school reality, the Lloyds usually grow bitter as they realize that they wasted their younger years obsessing over girls, the Dianes discover that their hypersensitity hurts them, and the Coreys usually end up having better social lives despite the fact that their sexy auras are slightly less mysterious.


Anyway, Rua, now that this journey is coming to an end, I'll answer your questions as directly as possible.


-Should I just let them flirt and try not to flirt back?
Flirt back in a really goofy way. If that doesn't work, then give them the cold shoulder, which should get the message across but might also mean the end of your friendship.


- Is what I want impossible?
No.


-Can girls and guys be just friends?
Yes. But there will probably always be a vaguely sexual element. Sometimes that will mean occasional flirting, sometimes it will mean actually making out once or twice, and sometimes it will mean something more hard-to-pin-down, but that element will probably be there.


And even if it feels like every guy friend you make just wants to bone you, have faith that it won't always be that way. Making boy friends is just like finding a boyfriend: if you want it too badly and try too hard, you'll end up with someone who sucks. If you want people for the wrong reasons, you'll end up with the wrong people in the wrong roles. But if you let people drift in and out of your life, the good ones will stick.

How to Deal with a Nice Guy

Hey there all you dudes and ladies out there in internet land. Benny here.


I've decided to start an advice column about guys. I noticed that, in the internet and in the non-digital world, there is plenty of advice given by girls about guys, given by guys about girls, and even given by girls about girls . But there seems to be a dearth of advice given by guys about guys.


I'm changing that.


I've called this site "How to Deal with a Nice Guy" because the most troubling thing that I've seen in girls I know and/or care about and/or enjoy laughing at is, well, their inability to deal with guys who they perceive as "nice." I hear many women say, "I'd never break up with him, he's so nice," about guys who suck, and say, "I wouldn't date him, he's so intimidating," about guys who are actually pretty nice.


I've realized that, when I'm speaking or writing, every time I mention a person, it takes me about ten seconds to decide whether I want to call them a man or a boy or a woman or a girl.

So, in order to reduce the time it takes me to write a sentence, and because I don't believe that anybody really grows up, from this point on, I will never write "men" and "women" when I could just as easily say "boys" and "girls." 

Ask your questions by way of anonymous comments. I've realized that, unless we use snail-mail, that's the only way that your questions/problems will remain anonymous.


And I'll end with a quote from Cary Tennis (Get well soon, Cary!), one of the greatest creators of written advice the world has ever seen:


"I'm no expert. I know the same things we all know. What I'm offering is, you know, good writing! Good writing can clarify overlooked or obscure areas of emotion. With sufficient craft, these things can be illuminated, and in a way that's pleasurable to read. Plus I'm kind. I offer sympathy to people who are in trouble." (The full article from which this quote was copied can be found here.)

I'm no Cary Tennis. He's a pro. I'm not. But can I offer good writing? We'll see. You be the judge, and I'll be the writer.