On How We Figure Out if We REALLY Like Someone

Send me your questions! But until then, I leave you with another original post.


In my never-ending quest to figure out what distinguishes the relationships that end with minimal pain from the relationships that end in volcanic eruptions, I decided to take a look at the time in relationships when the foundations for future battles and reconciliations seem to be set up: the "getting to know you" phase.


In a way, we're always getting to know people and we never know people as well as we think we do. The phase I'm referring to is the early one where we figure out just how much we're capable of actually liking a person, and, whether we stay for that person for two more weeks, two more months, or two more years, our gut feelings about the person, in many ways, do not change all that much beyond that stage.


Let's take a look at an early-stages scenario, the emotions it causes, and the ways we can choose to act on those emotions.


Scenario: After sleeping with your partner, you wake up and drink coffee together. You show them a bizarre music video on YouTube, because that is the sort of thing that amuses you. They respond by saying, "So is this what you do when you're bored?" You say, "Uh... yeah. Actually, I do." There is silence. You feel a void develop between the two of you.


And now, I leave you with a host of Choose Your Own Adventure choices, and I leave you to judge which ones are the best. Because, frankly, I think I know what is the best way to go about it, but I really don't.


A) Break up with them right then, or a few days later, saying, "We don't have enough in common."


B) Recognize that you don't have enough in common, but see where else the relationship can go from that point onward. Assume that you're not going to really fall for this person and don't expect too much from them. Wait to see if you have other things in common that will make you feel that "certain something," but until then, don't commit or allow them to commit.


C) Recognize that they're missing a certain something, but push the person with all your might into being serious about you, and see if you like them then. Get them to do "serious relationship" things that they may have been hesitant to do before. If they fully commit to you and you find that they are still missing something, break up with them.




Something tells me that we all have done something like this; that, unless we've found someone who was perfect and didn't make us go "Hmm..." at any time during the early stages, we've all had to make the choice of "Do I want to stay with this person, and, if I don't know yet, how do I figure it out?" The four choices I've listed are the methods I can think of so far.


Readers: Do you have any you'd like to add? Which "techniques" do you use to make your choice?

Addendum: I originally made four options but then realized that the middle two were the same, so I combined them. B was originally B and C and C was originally D.

"She usually makes very sweet comments when she calls. I'm not saying I don't like her like that; I just don't know. But she's visiting me soon!"

Benny- Here's a question for you.

There's a woman who lives very far away from me. She's a friend from way back. She's a wonderful person and is apparently very good-looking, based on what other people say about her. (Sometimes, I find her attractive; sometimes, I don't- plus, it's hard to make a decision based on photos). We talk a lot- I texted her once saying that I was bored on Valentine's Day being around a bunch of couples (I have to admit that I wrote her first, wishing her a Happy Valentine's Day and such). She texted back saying that that wouldn't be if she were here. She usually makes very sweet comments when she calls. I'm not saying I don't like her like that; I just don't know. But she's visiting me soon!

Am I worrying over nothing? Am I being conceited? Am I leading her on? And how do I figure out my feelings for her, while, at the same time, toeing that line of a friend?


-Tom Cat on a Midnight Spree


Dear TCOAMS,


Actually, I'm just going to call you Tom.


Anyway, Tom, thanks for being the first male to submit.


 I'm going to start by answering your concluding questions directly.


-Am I worrying over nothing? 


Yeah, pretty much. 


-Am I being conceited? 


Conceited? Not necessarily. Narcissistic? Maybe. I think that many of us sometimes have a tendency to blow situations out of proportion when somebody is interested in us... particularly those of us who have felt unpopular or "unfuckable" at one time or another.


We often have an almost-involuntary reflex of a voice that says, 'This girl is into me, so I better do this right or else I'll be a loser.'


Oftentimes, this reflex continues no matter how many situations we've been that in theory should serve as proof of our "fuckability."


We get this question in our heads: 'What am I supposed to do?' And that question often trumps another more important question: 'Do I want her?'




-Am I leading her on? 


You don't appear to be leading her on based on your account. If you were to say, 'I can't wait to see you, I have a crush on you too,' that would be leading her on. If you were to have sex with her while still being this iffy about her, you would be leading her on.


Another tendency that many of us who suffer from the "Chronic Unfuckable Blues" have developed is to assume that other people are as lonely as we are at our worst.


Let me explain. When I was at my most shy and lonely, I very rarely acted on my feelings. It seemed like such a huge step even to banter with a girl in a way that would demonstrate my attraction. So when did I act on my feelings? Only once my interest had developed into a massive overpowering crush. Only when I'd been admiring her and thinking about her for months on end. I held it in and then let it all out in a massive explosion of emotion only after it had become far too intense to hold in.


A history of this type of introversion can obscure an important fact: many people don't operate like this at all. 


Most people actually operate more like this:


'I'm kind of into this person. I'll let them know. OK, this person likes me. OK, let's see how it goes.'


Or this:


'I'm kind of into this person. I'll let them know. Oh, they're not that into it. OK, good to know. Move along. Next!'


Here's what I'm getting at: You're probably not doing anything as powerful as "leading her on," with all the negative connotations that has because, seeing as she hasn't spent all that much face-to-face time with you, she's probably only very mildly into you.


-And how do I figure out my feelings for her, while, at the same time, toeing that line of a friend?


Hang out with her. Maybe make out with her. Don't have sex with her unless you decide you actually like her. In fact, don't even let her suck your dick unless you decide you actually like her. (I guess that stuff passes for casual among daredevil middle school girls, but, let's face it: most girls who aren't daredevil middle schoolers will only do it to a guy they really care about or  a guy they desperately want to manipulate.)


My take on this girl is that she either A) is really intensely into you in a long-distance, idealized way or B) is kind of into you and doesn't have anything else going on, so she figures, hey, I'll sweet talk this faraway guy I'm going to see soon, and maybe it'll turn out cool.


If A is the case, then she could be bad news, and you should be cautious. If B is the case, then just take it as it comes.


Also, say to her what you said to me. At some point when you are hanging out with her, say, 'You're attractive, but I'm not sure if I really like you yet.' 


I also want to call our attention to another thing you said in the message: 'She's a wonderful person and is apparently very good-looking, based on what other people say about her.'


What other people say about her should not matter. When you see her, stop asking yourself if she's hot or not. That voice will probably be there, but turn it off. Let the situation develop however it is going to develop. That voice that's questioning your attraction (or lack of attraction) to her will only distract you from what matters, which is the quality of the connection you have (or lack) with her.


In Improv comedy, one of the first things they teach you is to trust the other person to provoke "the funny" rather than attempting to constantly create "the funny." The idea is that comedy comes from truth and truth comes from genuine reactions. I'm not certain exactly how this relates to your situation, but I'm pretty sure it does.